Ten.

Some themes need a whole paragraph to firmly establish their connection to the jiggety-wiggety, squirrel on meth, alien being, WTF, behavior of our most colorful and worrisome political figures.  But Ten’s crazy theme can be set up precisely as its subject would desire: in just a single word …

Trump.

Nine.

Last week, having wasted your time with a thought about the Total Impossibility of the modern Presidency, I promised a plan for completely reinventing the structure of American government.   Well here it is.  And, if I say so myself, it’s pretty perfect.  Minus the stupid parts.

Now don’t get all nervous and shaky.  I know this is a bold undertaking but I’m not talking about anything un-American, or worse: French.  Sure, some may find this proposal unusual.  It’s possible, too, that some of the facts underlying The Plan are really just theories still, or stuff I’ve just made up.  And I’m sure broad swaths of it are patently illegal.  Nevertheless, I think you’ll agree it represents real improvement.

Eight.

Impossible things:

1. Feeling good about eating the whole pizza.  2. Not eating the whole pizza. 3. Figuring out why “Troy” got made.  4. Going through airport security without thinking to yourself, “Are the TSA and the guy who hires all the Walmart greeters using the same recruiting service?” 5. Resisting the charms of New York City, even though you’re almost always walking through someone else’s pee.  6. Making a reality TV show that doesn’t reveal a reality about the human race we’re better off not knowing.  7. Replacing Johnny Cash.  8. Drinking just one beer, unless it’s your breakfast beer.  9. Traveling fast enough for anything that happens in Star Trek to ever be true.  10. Being President of the United States.

Seven.

Harry Truman might have been the last great killer from the Democratic Party.   That guy knew how to end something.   No one wishes that we ever see again the level of calamity during which ‘Ol Give ‘Em Hell Harry presided.  Or that a decision as grave and weighty as his need ever again be on the table.  But it sure would be nice to have that kind of stomach for dropping the big one around Democratic circles these days.  Sometimes you have to be bad to do good.   And it’s clear during this election cycle our collective sphincters may be, shall we say, a bit loose.

Six.

All you need is hate.  Meet Jan Brewer, Governor of Arizona and hate monger.   She joins Newt Gingrich, former Speaker of the House and likely presidential candidate.   The two join Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck in their collective push to make hate the new state of American politics.  Let’s open a few beers to celebrate.  And then kill ourselves.

Five.

“I don’t know what Sarah’s doing, [but] I have no desire to be president of the United States — zero desire.  I don’t think that I would be electable.”

– Glenn Beck, after the rally

Oh crap.  There’s nothing good about this.  These denials are always code for, “Hell yeah, I’m runnin’! I’m runnin! Fuck you, fuck the world, fuck everything that will ever come to be, I AM RUN-NING, Bitches!”  Now, in a parallel universe where people put their Cheesy Gorditas down for just a minute and maybe READ something besides the drive-thru menu, a clown with a crazy chalkboard running for president wouldn’t really be a worry.  We’d be an informed electorate.  But this is not that parallel universe and I am taking a bite of a big, delicious Taco Bell Cheesy Gordita right now — Ooo, that’s cheesy — and so, in this universe, the real one, where things like the Pontiac Aztec, Nickelback, and deep-fried beer happen (yes, Texans have recently invented deep-fried beer, thank you very much), we are fucked. 

Four.

Fear Crazy.  We are afraid of spiders.  We are afraid of getting old.   We are afraid of flying.  We are afraid of heights.  We are afraid of that mole on our arm.  Based on our obsession with The Jersey Shore, many it seems are afraid of quality TV.  And when we are in fear’s grip, we do crazy things — though just for the record: shitting one’s pants doesn’t count since that’s more tragic and funny than crazy. But on the whole, it’s safe to say that fear drives us mad.

North Korea’s Dear Leader is scared that someday the United States will attack his country, even though it has no oil and apparently no decent barbers.   Spooked to hysteria, poor Kim Jong Il calms his jitters by collecting ‘70’s leisure suits and so has become the world’s only dictator not getting laid.  Fear loony tunes you.

And we’ve never been quite so terrified.  We are afraid to spend and hire, causing things to happen that make it even harder to spend and hire.  We are afraid of challenging the insurance companies and business models that turn the country that spends the most on healthcare into a nation that ranks below Guam in quality of health.  Salsa is our number one condiment and yet we are now afraid of Mexicans.  We are afraid of mosques.  We are afraid to tell the bankers who bankrupted our confidence to go screw themselves.  And, miserably, we are not yet nearly afraid enough of Sarah Palin and her idiot ilk.   So Four is dedicated to the fear that dilutes our promise.   Be afraid.